Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Reminder

I spend a good deal of time seeing the negative, I'm told. I'm not sure if it's intentional or if it's something that I've worked into my psyche over time. Despite this, I feel that I'm a realist and not necessarily heartless or cold. I recall a character from Xena who told her that "The entire world is driven by a will - blind and ruthless. In order to transcend the limitations of that world, you need to stop willing, stop desiring, stop hating." What does this mean, to me?

I've come to understand the first part and I can see and even accept it much more easily now. It isn't that I don't care, but that I don't need to try to control something that is outside of my realm to control. While one might be able to change one's thoughts and perspectives, there is a great deal that we're helpless to enact actual control over. Death, sickness, taxes... These are things that are just a part of the world we live in.

I was thinking about a coworker who was recently diagnosed with a serious condition and thinking about his situation and how it affected me. I recognize that his family is going through hell and back with this whole thing but, I noticed a sort of indifference in myself. I felt neither sad nor happy about it. I didn't even feel numb; I felt nothing.

My boss is someone whom I feel is passionate and expressive; perhaps the opposite of what/who I am. When I dropped by today, to ask about the care package that was being put together, I made a passing comment about the gift that was communally put together and how I didn't understand how it would help, given the rather dire prognosis. A smile crossed her face and she said to me [paraphrased] "it's not about him using this 'toy'. It's about how this item will bring the family together and give them a beacon of happiness to look forward to, during the time of hardship." At that moment, I felt ashamed and foolish about my previous thoughts. I realized that it doesn't matter the outcome--good or bad, but that the happy time he has with his family is what matters because nobody is playing the fool; they're just trying to live their lives and appreciate each other and what is provided them.

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